I am sure

My Sunshine

I have heard that many couples get jittery on the eve of their wedding. I have heard that many have second thoughts.  They doubt the choices they have made. I have even heard that this is normal and with time the doubts pass. What I have not heard is that many are certain of the one they want to marry. Some have claimed that there is no such thing-that peculiar certainty is only fodder for the movies. If this is so, then my life is a movie.

I knew that she was the one I would marry. I had not popped the question. I had not begun courting her. Heck, I had not even met her! Yet, I knew without a doubt that our paths would cross someday. And so they did in Uganda, where we were studying for our A-levels. She was the Christian, and I the wretched sinner. She was the sober one, I the brewery. She was the epitome of all that is good. I on the other hand, was the very dregs of all that is rotten. I envied her. Her life was simple. She did not concern herself with all the drama around her. She seemed unruffled by them; they were below her you might reckon. Not I. My life was full of drama, from dusk till dawn I was immersed neck-deep in them. Rumours flew over my head as bees over pollen. Glances and whispers were exchanged every time I stepped into a room. Diabolically, there was a part of me that relished it all and even fuelled it. Piously, there was a part of me that wanted out, that wanted to live like her, my future wife. The latter won. Hence, in my senior six (read form six), I started seeing life from her point of view. It was much clearer and liberating. I loved every bit of it. It was in these changing circumstances that our discourses progressed from hallo to how are you doing? I could have made my move then, but something (or someone) held me back. “No rush,” it (or he) seemed to say, “She will be all yours at the right time”. I held my horses. I completed my A-levels and we had to part ways. She was one class behind me. The parting was not painful. Once again, that stubborn assurance lingered. I would see her again. It would be several years before I did.

We met again in Campus. I nearly broke her nose-call it a prank gone bad. This was followed by a most intimate of hugs, the first in a series of more to come. We saw each other regularly after that but often in the company of other Christians. Nonetheless, we grew closer by the day till eventually we became inseparable. Our friends noticed and giggles could be heard here and there. Nothing malicious, they wished us the best of happiness. 

It has been a while now since we have been together. I am not sure of the exact figure-she is the one who is good with dates. However, one thing I am sure of is that she is the one, always been and always will be. Lately, we have been dwelling on the subject of marriage quite a bit, and rightly so. I have not popped the question. Perhaps I have not seen or felt the need to. When we started out, it was quite clear to both of us that this one was for the long haul, no trial and error, no dating (guess we kissed that good bye), no what if, if only,..but till death do us part.  When the time comes, and we find ourselves before the altar, we will be saying those vows for the umpteenth time. We will make known to the world what has been known to us since the moment we said, “Good to go...” We truly love each other so. I will look into her eyes and hear...  

  

            “My beloved is mine and I am his”.

She will look into mine and hear...

            “How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful!”

Bullies of my life

I had a dream the other day-the kind that transports one back in time- visiting day in Form one to be precise. There were plenty of goodies to savour later in the evening. The only problem was that most of the savouring was done by the senior students. The role of Form ones was to pay libations to their ancestors-the senior students. Failure of payment led to dire consequences for the defaulter. Well, on this particular day, I wasn’t ready to pay. I stood my ground to the astonishment of my colleagues. I saw them beg me through clenched teeth to relent-for all our sakes. I resisted-for all our sakes.  A tussle ensued between a senior student and I. Word of it reached the headmaster, an Irish man of short stature with the flaring temper of a Russian. The senior student purported that I had insulted him. I retorted that I had not but if I had, he would not have understood the insult anyway. He was slow in grasping the Queen’s language. The headmaster let a quirky smirk slip through his stern demeanour. 

“A Form one standing up to a Form four, right under my nose...there’s a first!” he must have mused. 

Nonetheless, we both got a good thrashing. I suppose, it was the Irish way of settling disputes. If it is one’s word against another due to lack of witnesses, let both parties suffer. However, something good came out of the whole saga. The headmaster asked me to set up a task force to investigate cases of bullying and report to him personally. I embarked on the task zealously. Notorious bullies were brought to account and reprimanded in ingenious and humiliating ways. Soon stories of our success spread across, the district, the province, and even the country too. Our strategy was emulated in boy schools all over Kenya. The end of bullying was in sight. We envisaged that in a few years, never would one have to go through the horrifying experience that is “monolisation”. Indeed I was on a good run; appearing in school magazines, turning girls’ heads in symposiums, featuring in TV and radio...then I woke up.

It is such a sinking feeling when dreams take you to the loftiest clouds but reality brings you back to earth with a loud thud. I sat on the edge of my bed thinking long and hard. I was a puny fellow back then. I still am. I was tossed here and about. My food, my time, the uniform on my body...weren’t mine. I should have stood for what is mine but no, timidity always got the better of me. When I needed it most, courage failed me miserably. I still remember the faces of my bullies; some dark with bloodshot eyes, some light with dark scars that scared the living daylights out of me. I still remember them. 

I am older now, wiser and braver too. I still meet bullies of all kinds; those who want to swindle me off my hard earned sweat, those who want to hold me back from chasing my dreams, those who want to force their opinion on me, heck, even those who want to entice me for a rendezvous in between the sheets! Sometime I think to myself, “If only I knew then what I know now, life would be so different”. However, life does not play out like that. We learn from our past, do right in the present to avoid regrets in the future. I have learnt from my past-my high school days to be precise. I have learnt that bullies would always be there in my life. It is how I respond to them that determine whether they linger or not.

I rose from my bed, read my Bible, freshened up and stepped out-ready to tussle with bullies that the world would bring my way.

Understanding women

There are days when I wish I could be a neurosurgeon. Many share this ambition but the source of my ambition is intricately different. It is not money, passion, scientific curiosity, or even a worthy challenge. It is to understand women.

Women are a species shrouded in mystery. Whoever sets on a journey to decipher what saunters in their mental faculties faces a most daunting task to. He would need the thick skin of a rhino and the strong constitution of an ox in order to survive the rarely charted waters of understanding women. I believe no man has, and those who think they have, are the most deceived. Perhaps, we were never meant to figure them out. Perhaps, we were wired for the chase; always hunting, never killing. And if, like most men, you think a kill means a randevú between the sheets. I think you are dead wrong.  There is much more to this species than the canyon down under. Men perceive themselves the stronger sex, yet most cannot persevere half of what women go through. Men think they are ahead of the game, yet women, almost invariably, are ten steps ahead of them. Men think they are the more suave, yet a woman’s hold on a man is achieved in the most subtle of manners. Yes, I am intrigued by them, sometimes infuriated, but often intrigued.

This is why I am making it my lifelong ambition to understand women in all ways. Life would be so much simpler when I do. My hair may turn grey before its time, wrinkles may spread across my face, my laughter may turn into a groan, my back may bend some more but my discoveries will go down in the annals of human history. When I tread the verge of Jordan and I cross into worlds unknown, I will look down and smile upon reading the words on my epitaph... 

                “Here lies the first man who unravelled the mystery that is woman”

My 37-days Stint in Banking

What is it about the life of a Christian that makes it so unpredictable? Like the wind, one hears it but knows not where it goes or comes from?

That is the question that lingered in my mind as I reflected on the twists and turns in my life. As many of you are aware, I recently got a job in Family Bank. This, coming two years after graduation was truly most refreshing. Hence, it was expected that I would wear myself thin in ensuring that this one did not slip through my fingers. However, this was not the case. I resigned. The stated reason for doing so was going for full time post graduate studies at the University of Nairobi. However, there was an underlying reason. Those who know me well suspected it and they are right.  

As a Christian, there is that fundamental question that always begs an answer, “What is God’s will for my life?” During the fourth year of my undergraduate studies, I obtained the answer. There was this particular course that affected me greatly. All other courses, I learnt out of a sense of duty. This one, I learnt out of a sense of devotion. Food and Nutrition Security opened my eyes to a whole new world. To say that I came alive in that class is an understatement. It is in that class that a quite but strong conviction stubbornly settled in my heart. This was what I wanted to spend the waking hours of my life upon-ensuring food and nutrition security for the vulnerable populace whenever and wherever. This conviction took me to several places. All of which I volunteered: Moi Teaching and Referral Hospital (MTRH), National Cereals and Produce Board (NCPB), Academic Model Providing Access to Healthcare (AMPATH). Judging from this list, banking was nowhere in my mind. However, the anxieties of this life got to me and I finally gave in to that philosophy which I had strongly argued against in the past-getting any job that comes your way. Why? So I can have a meaningful answer to that question that many use to define others, “So, what do you do?”   

  

I enjoyed banking for a while. That was before that conviction that settled in my heart two years ago started gnawing and burning within. Every time I saw those 4x4 land cruisers with red number plates heading to Lodwar or some other arid land, my heart skipped a bit. Every time I held a newspaper and read of a looming crisis in the food security of a particular region, the more anxious I became. When I surveyed my humble library and saw titles such as “Food and the Poor”, “The Kenyan Maize sub sector performance”, “Community Nutrition”, “The Management of Severe Malnutrition”…my heart sunk. I continually became restless in my work and even though I worked hard at it, my heart was elsewhere. Every evening after work, adorned in dark sharp suits, I walked in the streets of Kitale, turning a head or two here and there. It was evident I was the envy of many. Family Bank having a good name among Kitale folk, my face had become familiar, and thus a nod here and a nod there had become the norm. To many, I was the young guy in the right place only waiting for my big break. However, inside, I was the young man lured by money and watching time fly by as a most crucial task remained unattended. 

It is this task that has led me to improve myself at the University of Nairobi through that field that has lured me from my first year in my undergraduate studies-Applied Human Nutrition. The good book states it is not good to have zeal without knowledge (Proverbs 19:2). I have the former in full measure. I lack the latter and hence my being in Kabete to pursue this noble course.

The years of my pilgrimage are few and tender. There are many things that I am yet to fully grasp. However, this much I know. God has called me to this peculiar task; that I spend myself on behalf of the hungry and I satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then my light shall will rise in the darkness and my night will become like the noon day (Isaiah 58:10). Let it be so.

7th Anniversary

The years gone by tell a lot of the years to come. Such is the conviction in mine heart after 7 years in salvation-10^th July is the date to be exact. As I look back over my shoulders, I see a God who is relentless in His pursuit of me. The times when my heart was prone to wander, He was there. The times when I wanted to throw in the towel, He was there. The times under that dark cloud of guilt and shame that I dared not venture into His presence, He was there. The times when I envied the wicked and their lavish ways, He was there. The times when the road ahead was marked with uncertainty that I felt like a blind man groping along in a dark alley, He was there. Seven years on and I have not quite figured Him all out but the little I know, He is here.

Maybe, trying to figure Him out is a futile pursuit. Maybe, He cannot be all figured out. Why then does He dare us to try and do so? Me thinks that therein lies the greatest of happiness. To borrow a worldly phrase “the thrill is in the chase”. Then when we almost give up in this chase, He reveals a lil’ tiny weeny bit o’ Himself. We become so enthralled by this slice of revelation that we want the whole loaf. We pick up our silly selves, plant our wandering feet in the narrow way, fix our gaze up yonder and continue in our pursuit of Him. 

 

Then there are those times when we are doing so well in this pursuit. We let down our guards and that monster that usually comes before a fall creeps in-Pride. We compare ourselves to the other wretched worms in this pursuit and deem ourselves superior. “I have been doing this for __ years”, we deceive ourselves. Soon we find ourselves mired and we cannot wiggle out of it. Then, He, the ever gracious and compassionate one, extends a hand. We grab it and find ourselves free. It is then that it dawns on us that He has been the one chasing us all along. The times when we think we are ahead of the game, He is miles and miles ahead. Then we are humbled.

Seven years on, I am in awe of Him who gave His all that I may be truly His.

The Gift of Adversity

Among the many privileges of being alive, is that peculiar human ability to look into the past and study the lives of great men and women who have gone before us; to cry over their flaws, admire their strength, laugh at their naivety, rejoice in their victories and yes, identify with their losses. It is a privilege that all who desire to better their lives should engage in from time to time. In my doing so, I have observed a common thread that weaves through the tapestry that is their lives-adversity.

Defined as a difficult and unpleasant situation, adversity is not one those things that we look forward to (like a hot cuppa tea on a rainy day). Yet, it is the one thing, more often than not, that gives the impetus to want to succeed. It is not a pre-requisite for success. It is a necessary ingredient.

I am a first born. Unlike my siblings, I have seen my parents at their worst moments; the times when putting food on the table was more important than what kind was laid, when the roof over their heads was porous to the elements of nature, when their choice of clothing was wanting, when bills drew sighs and when they struggled to give their children the best of education in spite of their meagre earnings. Through these trying periods, never at any one time did my siblings and I get the impression that we had reached a dead end. My parents kept on moving. Sometimes they ran, sometimes they walked briskly. Sometimes they plodded. All in all, they kept surging forth.  In retrospect, I realise that those moments of adversity made them who they are today. They were patient through them. They did not nag and if they did, we never caught them in the act. They embraced adversity and lived to tell the tale.

I compare myself with my parents’ kind, and I find myself wanting. I realise that my attitude along with that of my generation towards adversity is appalling. We nag at the slightest bump on our road to success. We want in a day the things that took our parents a decade to attain. We deem most jobs being below us. We view adversity as a preserve for the less privileged-an experience confined to the slums, Jua kali and wherever it is that people living on less than a dollar a day are to be found.

It is no wonder that the character of those who have “made it” easy, especially in the current crop of the Y generation, is wanting. I have found most to be haughty, condescending, peevish, and whatever other ill adjective the Queen’s language avails. 

I have chosen to take the path less trodden. I will embrace adversity. I will learn from it. I will look at it in the eye and tell it, “You will not win over me. You may seem like you are but you will not. I will prevail. By God’s grace I must prevail” Then I will gloat when I see it turn its back, tail in between its legs and walk away, waiting for another opportune time to visit. And should Providence have before me two gifts of adversity and pleasantry. I will choose the former, for then I shall grow wiser and consequently avoid the trappings of pleasantry that so many of my peers have fallen into.